I've moved on...

... over to the other side.

I really hope to see you there.

First Breath After Coma

Should I or should I not?

The Goodfellas.

All it took was one familiar song and a look we shared from behind the back of someone who was sitting between us, and immediately, I could smell his scent and feel the warmth of his arms around my body.

Like I've always said, it's that look in his eyes.

~ written 9 February 08

One Week On: An Epilogue

She remembers standing at a corner, against a wall. She remembers the warm wave after wave of sweaty bodies that swam past her. She remembers the deep bass pumping in her veins. She remembers the blinding spotlight that shone on her face. She remembers the endless sea of hands out-stretched, not touching, not feeling. But when she closes her eyes, all she remembers were the tears on her face, the music in her ears, and him in her mind.

For each forgotten kiss
For all the memories
For all the times a look said all we had to say
You played your part so well
A modern Romeo
You came on Cupid's wings and then you flew away

When you touched my face
When you call my name
I'm burned with desire
When you touched my face
When you call my name
I'm burned with desire
But you left me in the rain

For every sleepless night
Forever in your arms
For every hour spent lost in the reverie
You broke your promises
No shame and no regrets
You burned the bridges to an endless mystery

When you touched my face
When you call my name
I'm burned with desire
When you touched my face
When you call my name
I'm burned with desire
But you left me in the rain

Maybe I need to explain my actions. Maybe I don't.
Maybe I will write again. Maybe I won't.

Maybe she will love again. Maybe she won't.

Welcome, Ghosts.

It's a painful decision to make, but it is one that has to be done.
I end my life as smudgie here in this world.
It has been a warm and comforting one.

The Rain Drops.

I’ve been putting off the really dreary task of writing the Here-are-my-New-Year’s-Resolutions post. It’s now the second day of the new year, and I haven’t even given my would-be resolutions much thought.

As a teen, and maybe even during my early 20s, this period has always been the most exciting time of the year. Christmas, then the New Year, and then the Chinese New Year… it meant lots of holidays, lots of friends, lots of parties, lots of happiness. However, as I grew older, and as each year segues into another as seamlessly as rain into a river, these festivities seem less celebratory.

I may have, consciously or unconsciously, caused some heartache to those who love me this past year, but that’s not to say that those whom I love have not been responsible for my own anguish or insecurities. I’ve learnt a lot in 2008 about trust, maintaining a relationship, and the strength of familial ties. This may sound like a cliché, but your family may be the only ones who will accept you for who you are. I’ve also discovered my own strengths and, mostly, weaknesses. Some of them, I’m not proud of, but I have to say I am learning to deal with things my own way.

I could list 10 items I’d like to do in 2009, but I know the only time I’ll refer to it again is in a year’s time. So if I could only have one wish for this new, trying time in my life, it would be for peace. Peace within me. That may be the only way I, or anyone, can find happiness without depending on, or at the expense of, another person.

Here it is, my obligatory New Year’s post for my blog in retrospective.

Status Quo

"We're going for dinner now," my dad announced to no one in particular. We were seated in a semi-circle around the hospital bed. I, the precious eldest grand-daughter, was sitting on the bed next to my grandma.

She let go of my hand and pushed me off the bed gently. "Go, go. It's late." Grandma was in high spirits today. I think it was because I kept her company for three hours today. Still wide awake, she sat upright in bed and waved us goodbye. As we made for the door, my grandfather, who had always be sullen and impatient with the frequent hospital visits, walked back towards the bed, painfully slow. His tanned, wrinkled hand reached for my grandmother's. "We're leaving now," he said, rather redundantly. Surprised, Grandma, in the usual way old Asian couples speak to one another, raised her voice at him. "I know that. Just go."

It was apparent in everyone's actions. My father and my aunt turned away; my mother stopped in her tracks; a tear rolled uncontrollably down my cheek; Grandma's harsh eyes faltered for a second. Grandpa, oblivious to the gravity of his little gesture, turned and walked to the door.

When we were still kids, my brother, the cheeky arse, often asked Grandma if she loved my Grandpa. "Rubbish!" she would exclaim loudly. "In my time, there was no such thing as love." Of course, as young children, we didn't think she was serious. But as we grow older, we watched their twin beds move further and further apart. There never was any show of affection in my family.

That was why we didn't know what to make of the gentleness of Grandpa's hand on Grandma's. She may or may not recognise what it was, but I did. We all did. If that wasn't a man's love for his old, ailing, lifelong companion, I don't know what is.

The New New Year

The New Year came early for me.

Starting in November, I’ve made so many changes in my life, big and small, that it’s almost as if I’ve finally grown up. I’ve been at my company for more than year now. I had told myself some months back that I have to keep myself in this company for at least 12 months, to gain experience, to make my resume more credible. Maybe I’ve finally found a job I can settle into. This is quite an achievement for someone who never really knew what she wanted to do. I found myself giving advice to an ex-classmate last week. She was in the top class in my secondary school (and the Principal’s daughter) and went on to the top Junior College during our time. Now she’s finally finishing her PhD and doesn’t know what to do with her life.

I’ve also actually started to save. I started a new savings account that automatically draws a pre-established amount from my current account so that I won’t have to suffer the physical pain of transferring an amount over. I’ve also begun to make calculated payments for my purchases so that I can accumulate $1 gold coins and save them in a tin box I’ve allocated to store them. You won’t understand how proud I am of myself for managing to do this without crumbling.

I have put on quite a bit of weight ever since I started working in this company, which is situated right smack in the middle of an almost food paradise. My parents take turns to remind me of that fact every day and I initially felt resentment at how tactless parents can be when it comes to their children’s body issues. After I quietly took in all the insults and erupted into a vicious hatred for my body, I stopped asking D the “Do you still love me now that I’m fat” question and signed up for a full course of body slimming treatments at FIL.

I’ve also bitten the bullet and got myself a new look. I haven’t changed my hair for the longest time, and after consulting my people in the “industry”, I went and snipped off my fringe. My hairstylist was so happy with my new look he couldn’t stop giving me suggestions on how I could style my hair. The reviews were mixed though. Some loved it; some simply said I looked “Different”. “Different” can mean many things.

I have two more things to do before my year is complete. I intend to give my room a makeover as well, though it’s really dragging because of the endless overtime I have to do at work. I still haven’t gotten myself enrolled in a Japanese language school as well, and this is the one big regret of the year. In the grand scheme of things, I guess some things just have to wait.

I need to go to Japan soon.

The Venom Spreads.

I've been travelling quite a fair bit this year, though for most parts, the motive for the trips were borne out of need and not out of want. This has been the year of China for me. Admittedly, China is not amongst my list of top five favourite holiday locations. But since February, I've been to Shanghai twice, Beijing once, and I've just returned from Macau and Hong Kong.

Shanghai was amazing for me for its past; the legendary Bund and the beautiful buildings on the historical side of the river gave me much to think about. Its present: the high-rise buildings, the perpetual construction, and the unfortunate impressions some of the Chinese gave me, did not make me love the country my forefathers came from.

Beijing, on the other hand, was exceptional. The wide open spaces. The snow outside the cabin window on the Z14. The somewhat friendlier attitude of the people. The Forbidden City. The Great Wall. Everyone should experience Beijing once.

I was in Macau for work, so I didn't see what most tourists and punters must have seen of Macau. I was herded everywhere by an agent in a mini-van, straight from my gorgeous hotel room, to my various work locations, to the lavish dinners that have already been paid for, then straight back to my hotel.

Hong kong on leisure with my colleagues was another matter altogether. I have never stepped into so many Louis Vuitton, Gucci, Prada, and Goyard boutiques so many times in my life. I stood in the quiet corners of each boutique watching my bosses and colleagues shuffle from shelf to shelf, and wonder why they couldn't pay me more so I can join in the fun. Still, I finally understood why Hong Kong is a shopping paradise. Too many brands, too little time. The last time I was in Hong Kong, I was all of 10 years old. I suspect I'll be going back there some time. But not so soon.

The travel bug bit me when I was 21 and allowed to finally travel on my own. I haven't stopped since. My first love will always be Japan, although my lust for travel, like my lust for most other things, is insatiable. As I clock the hours, earn my meal, fatten up my bank, and plan my next holiday, I say "Bring It". I'm never too poor or tired to travel.

Incensed.

There are three kinds of people in this world.

The first kind trip over themselves offering unsolicited comments after hearing one side of a juicy story.

The second kind often wait until they have heard both sides of the story before giving their opinions about what they think had happened.

The third kind, the very rare kind, keep their mouths shut no matter what they hear and who they hear the story from.

Now which kind are you?